back to the drawing board

I miss me.
I miss me so much.


I am tired of being stabbed in the back by the men I love.
I am tired of trusting so hard and loving so fast.

I am tired. My head hurts. I'm exhausted.

I am right back where I started. Reeling from the shock of betrayal.
I cannot understand how I fall so easily into this trap.

I gave my 500 percent this time and it still wasn't enough.
I was still not worth it.

I'm not me.

I feel like crying every time I talk to you. Nothing I do or say gets to you. It's like your heart is cold stone. Frozen over after she left you.
What I want to know is, how is it my fault? And how could you break me like this? I'm a broken person because of this relationship. I feel sometimes that I'll never find that contentment in love that I've been searching for.
This relationship has brought out the best and the worst in me. That's weird, but true. I've learnt how to be completely selfless, and how to compromise. But I've also been completely pathetic and heavily weak. I've fought to be selfish. Actually fought to be selfish. I've been selfish where you let me get away with it.
But it's always you calling the shots at the end of the day.
Try as I might, I can't get out of your embrace, even when your arms are by your sides. Even when you walk across the room. Even when you cross the Sahara and stay as far away from me as you possibly can.
I don't know if it's love or weakness or both.
I keep hoping, wishing, praying for the impossible instead. That you love me. That you understand me. That we are happy.
It's all I have.

You.

Hi there sunshine.
You are my only sunshine. You are all mine. You know how much I love it when you're happy and when you laugh right? God knows I've told you this five hundred million times. My last memory of you is of you laughing, on Skype.
And it fills me up with so many emotions.

Sheer happiness; because we spent all that time together, purely happy.

Extreme fear; because I am so afraid of losing you. I am deathly afraid of it. Of losing this happiness and trust we've some how stumbled across. Of outside forces trying to force us apart. These two days have reminded me of why you're so important to me and why I love you.
Because you're you. You're silly and adorable and non judgy and human and you're mine and I DON'T want to lose you.

Protectiveness; I want to hug you to me. I want to gather you up in my arms and hold you there forever. I want to save you from all your stress and tension and anxiety and sadness. I want to protect you and keep you close to me. It's desperate, this need to hold you and protect you.

Longing; I long to see you laugh again. I long to hold you and kiss your sweet lips. And give myself to you properly.

All of me, loves all of you.

Feeling.

Hot tears
Cool heated skin
Silent sobs
Broken wails
Soft moans
Seap through
Tightened fingers
Seap through
Plump pillows
Seap beneath
Closed doors
And drift
Into the vast forever

God hears.
Mercy undeserved.

Hot tears
Cool heated skin
Silent sobs
Broken wails
Soft moans
Seap through
Tightened fingers
Seap through
Plump pillows
Seap beneath
Closed doors
And drift
Into the vast forever

Shattered hope
Shattered heart
Shattered mind
Drift
Along with the sobs
Along with the wails
Along with the moans.

I broke up with you.

Please don't hate me.
Please do something.
Please understand why I did it.
Fight for me. Fight for us.
Tell me I'm being silly and we'll get through this.
Tell me I'm the light in your life.
Tell me it's not my fault.
I don't want to hurt you.
I wish I could make you happy.
Wish I'd known how sick you were.
Wish you would tell me what's wrong with you. Wish I had handled things better.
Wish we could work.
I miss you so much.
I miss you so so so much.
I love you.

I wonder

When you will finally tell me that you hate me. History will repeat itself.

I wonder

If we ever had a chance.