Right now, I can hear you breathing.
Its intense and its soothing. Its intimate and it's slightly creepy- on my part, that is.
The need to make you feel better is overwhelming at times. Hearing you flail and call out my name? Almost heartbreaking.
Your breaths are like my very own private brand of music. They have their own rythm, their own tune.
Faster, and faster, laborious, intense, rising up to a crescendo- a break- and after that, peace.
It's a constant loop, with a few grunts and mumbled whispers occasionally mixed in. Trying to make out the whispers is impossible so far. They're mostly incoherent but then- I hear my name and freeze.
I'm confused. Did you mean to say it? Are you dreaming? Are you half awake?
And there it is again.
I close my eyes.
I wish I was there with you right now. I wish I could stroke your hair, kiss your lips, trace the shapes of your eyes and nose and cheeks and I wish and I wish and I wish. I wish we were together.
I don't know if what I'm feeling is actual love. The kind of fairytales and happy endings. It feels like it. It really does.
But this world is so very jaded. And I'm unsure. Will I always feel this way?
I hope so. What if it gets tainted by the world? The world has that kind of fucked up power. I don't want to be questioned. I just want to believe.
And right now, i don't want to stop believing.
It's a scary thought.
I don't want to build my castle just yet, but the clouds look heavenly this time of the day.
Right now is the part where you're at peace. Or your breaths are, at least.
It's soothing to be doing things around the house, yet hearing you breathe as if you're right beside me.
It makes me feel like I'm not alone.
And I love the fact that I can help you sleep. That I can help you with things that you need, and that it's only me, who can help you with them. It's me that you've choosen to help you.
You told me that you love me the most. That I'm the most important person in your life.
Do you have any idea of how heavy those words are? Or of how light they make me feel?
An invisible weight lifted off my shoulders... A weight I didn't know much about until it wasn't there anymore.
This proves me right you know.
I predicted this in the beginning... but time made me unsure. Your pain seemed to have no end- and it made me doubt so many things.
But I'm thankful that I know you enough to know who you really are.
And I'm thankful that you choose me.
Miss you.
