Grilled Cheese

I still loved you in January.
They told me its okay to cry
I still loved you in February
They held me close and sighed
My heart held on in March
But the love refused to leave
And in April there were dreams 
Dreams that I slowly weaved
You would remember me
As i remembered you
But May came around
And my dreams, slowly fell through
I still loved you in June
But breathing, it was easier now
I missed you in July
And in August too
But they were always there- and life again begin to bloom
In September there were chinks in the armour
But October bought change
It brought me all the hope I'd thought lost,
Brought in all the hope again
I did not miss you in November
I did not love you in December
And in January,
I love him.

Is it love.. Is it love... Issss it looove?

I'm scared about my feelings.
On one hand, I want to let them rip. On the other... I find it very, very important to be cautious.
What if hes not the one? What if when I see him I get no butterflies? What if theres a better deal at NCA? What if theres a better deal through the matchmaker?
What if my parents refuse and so do his? What if he realizes the definition of rebound and applies it to me? What if the burden of all that baggage finally burries me until I have no choice but to throw it back on him and flee?
I don't want to hurt anyone.
And I don't want to be a bad girl.
But I also want to close my eyes and fall. I would like that very much- and who would be a better candidate to fall with than my best friend?
Life's messed up mysteries.

Hey, B

Sometimes I think about all my dreams, expectations and thoughts. About life and about love. Then I have to give myself a huge mental slap.
Because you know what dear? Talk is all you're ever gonna get. When the going gets tough, the bullshiters get going.
Well, a hearty fuck off to them I suppose. But I want the pieces of my heart they stole back. I fucking want them back so rip them out from yours and fucking HAND IT OVER.
They're mine to keep. You lost them the moment you decided that you didnt care enough.
I know, I know.
I've brought it upon myself.
Doesnt make it any easier whatsoever though.
B? You know what? You were right. I will never find a guy like you and sometimes, I'm really not sure if thats a good thing, or a bad one.
But you're happy B, so good for you. The story of us is a lot like a tragedy but thats how all my stories go, I suppose.
Maybe I'm not " pure" enough eh? Not Angelic enough?
Well fuck that.
I am who I am.

Hi

Hi.
Can you talk to me, please? Can you tell me how much you miss me and how special I am? Let me know of all the little ways I give you butterflies and how much you love to see me smile?

What? No? You can't?
Whats that? Oh Ayesha? Yeah lets cry over her again. No, it's okay. I understand, yes, I get it. No, no I don't mind. Its perfectly fine. Go ahead and talk about how special she is. How she gives you butterflies. How you love to see her smile.
I'll just wait here until you're done.
Or until someone better comes along.

Because you see, you're leaving a whole lot space at the top, even when you could easily fill it all out.
Cause I know, you're gold.

So what we smoke weed.

Why can't things be easy for once?
I don't want to feel insecure and irritated. I don't want to be hurt and frustrated.
I want to laugh and smile. Feel mushy and warm and safe. I want to make castles in the sky and hear you tell me about how choosing to be with me has been incredibly easy.

Look. It's not that hard. If I'm willing to give you my all, the least you can do is return the favor, with some extra interest. Cause you know. We haram lyk dat.

Oh sweet, fucked up irony.

Stop it.
Just- stop.

Stop acting so selfish. So indifferent.
Stop behaving like you don't know me, like we've just met, like you think I'm stupid and uncaring and insensitive.
You know very well, that all those things are exactly what I am not.
I laugh to cheer you up, not to bring you down.
I joke to hear you smile, not for that horrible frown.
We're not even in yet, and you're pulling out.
I keep trying to stay afloat, but dude, my ship is going to drown.
Sooner than later, if you're not careful.
You say, don't leave, yet you're pushing hard.
What am I supposed to do? I can't lose all my self respect one more time. I can't.
In life you know whats the one thing I've learnt? No one needs me, and I need you all.
All of you were mad, and all of you I brought back.
I don't regret it, because I love you all. But sometimes, like right now? I think about it, and I feel sad.

I'm so torn and so confused.
I've liked you for a long time. Two years is not two days. It's two years.
I've been your friend in all that time, and I've grown to care for you. Really care for you.
I've told you in all the ways that I can.
What more can I do?
I have feelings too.

I wish I had you to whatsapp all the bullshit of you in screenshots- to you.
I know what you would say. You'd tell me you were being a dick and that I should forget about losers who don't get me.
Oh sweet, fucked up irony.

I think a change, a change will do you good.

I'm in. I'm. IN.
NCA, bitches.
Fuck yeah.

But you know, inshAllah. Lol.

He is so cute. So freakin' adorable. And romantic. But you know. Can't fall again.
Too dangerous- way, way too dangerous.
And over here, there is so much potential, its craaaaaaaaaaazy.
WHY OH WHY.
But I asked- actually, prayed for it, so I dunno- why am I so surprised?
It's all from God, right?

Right?
Hello? Blog?
Answer me.