Frustration. Purely.

That's the dominant state of my being when I'm with you. And I don't think that's healthy. I underestimated the baggage and I underestimated the weight of your problems.
Everything to do with you: frustrating.
Messed up.
Haven't held a proper conversation with you in about two weeks. Maybe more.
I don't think that's healthy.

A formal request.

Hi honey.
This is an open letter of sorts, but it's just for you.
There are several things I want to say to you. There are several very very expensive things I need you to give me.
I need to feel loved.
This relationship is virtual. It is long distance and it is online. That in itself makes it harder than your typical relationship.
You know me. And if you don't, take some time and get to know me. Talk to me. Reassure my fears. Make virtual memories with me. Plan our future with me. Send me cheap reminders of our love. It's 2014 and I assure you, it can be done.
This relationship is loveless. From the way you talk to me, from the way you avoid me, from the way we've never had a serious conversation without fighting for quite a while...
Every single thing makes me scared. And I confess, I've almost lost hope for us.
This trying to talk to you? It's my final try at fixing things. It really, truly, hopefully is. Prove that you are the person I loved. Help me fall for you again. I want to trust you. I want things to be pretty. I want to want you. I want you.
Show me that you would be that crazy romantic guy for me. Show me that my last year was not in vain. Tell me through invisible actions that all those shed tears were worth it.
Make sure that they don't happen again.

Oh how I miss stroking your cheek. I would give up some very important things to hold you once again. Our first meeting was perfect and I reply it in my head loads.
If we don't make it, I'll write you a few more letters. If we make it, this space will be overflowing with letters of love.

Please make me yours. I want to want it again it so much.

Storm in a teacup

I'm at the literal bottom of your priority list.
You're number one on mine.
Number one for me.
The tears have dried up.
They refuse to flow.
The pill is bitter
But it is better
To swallow than to
Let them flow.

Loaded Cs

Eyes once again bloodshot, I looked like the regular druggie they'd labeled me as.
All I wanted was for him to pick up. To talk to me. To love me.
I hadn't heard his voice in over a week, and it hurt. This intense want, coupled with a horrible case of the flu and topped off with all the workload stress finally caught up with me. And for half an hour I cried and I cried and I cried.
I am so alone without you.
I need you. I really do. And I don't want to be without you.

Always.

Once again baby.
Once again you've proved that my feelings mean nothing to you.
So thanks for that.
Thanks for breaking my heart every single week.
Every alternate day.
I wonder why it's okay for you to do that
I wonder why it's okay for you to leave me hurt.
Why you always always have to rub in my face that my love will never be enough to tame the darkness in you.
I wonder when you'll treat me like you should.
It has to happen some day right?
It has to. It has to. It has to. It has to. It has to.
I won't say anything to you this time. I wanted to slip a ring on your finger and you stepped on mine while I tried to.
It's okay.
I promised I wouldn't ruin things. And I won't. This time I won’t. I will be selfless and have you be selfish. As usual. Like always.
I was finally starting to get excited you know? At the thought of December I was finally waking up. But you've put that into a sort of limbo. I'm dreading the fights and the sadness and the almost breakup and the breakup. I do not want to break up.
I love you so much.
Please love me too.

#wishlist

List of things I want:

A Diamond engagement ring in December. From you, Mister.

Friends.

Dandruff free hair.

Getting a 'sold out' at the Expo.

You.

Your love.

Smile and wave boys.

This blog is so emo, it's ridiculous.

I want to get angry and upset at you but I'm not allowed to anymore. So I'm sitting and I'm periodically swallowing.
I'm taking in all the feelings. The unhappiness, this unfulfilled incomplete ache, the thoughts of 'so this is your forever', and the feeling that I will never ever get my fairy tale.
The worst part is that I'm doing this to myself. I'm not being forced into it. I have no one to blame but me. I suppose that should make it easier. But it just makes me sad. What is my life? Why can't I have the kind of relationship I've always dreamed of?
I'm not a bad person. I love fiercely.
Do I not deserve it?

Talking about it does no good. It's not even that i talk about it to complain. I talk about it because you're smart and maybe you can help me. But it's taken as being 'not understanding'.
I understand. I'm not fucking two.
But understanding does not mean that I have to like it too. How do I deal with all these feelings?
I do not.
I stay quiet. I offer as much support and love as I can. I drink up all the feels.

Smile and wave boys. Just smile and wave.