for you, my love.

I want to sit in the huge grounds of carefree and co. and talk with you about nothing and everything. We can point at the good looking dudes sitting across from us and daydream, or we can stare up at the clouds rolling by and play the guessing game.
We can hold hands, and laugh till our stomachs hurt and then we can cry about the sadness. But just for a minute. Because we have so much to do and so much to love.
You can braid my hair while I give you my opinions, even though you know what I'm going to say, and even though I don't really care for braids. And then you can point out why it wont work and I can roll my eyes.
We can sing high and sing low and make videos about our awkwardness all day long.
And then we can dream about being together, being free.

Bananas

The winds of change are blowing, sluggishly.
Or maybe its me that's so horribly sluggish.

I'm fine with staying in bed- the whole day. And people are worried.
I don't get it.
But I sort of do.
Okay.

Heres a collection of sad post break up shit that I've written in the past few months.

He promised.
He lied.

She laughed.
She cried.

He played.
With her.

She accepted,
And hurt.




xxx






Sometimes, like right now, they're sitting and talking and laughing.
I laugh along- but then a memory, small but powerful wriggles in and intense sadness threatens to drown.
I miss laughing with you, at you, at me, together.




xxx




I brush away my tears and pick up the knife lying
beside me.
The blade is sharp and could easily slice through
flesh. 
I use it to slice a cucumber. 
The irony of mutilating a phallic symbol is not lost on me, nope.
The perfectly round circles are a bright green colour. 
I place two on either eye. They will help with the swelling, and ease away the bloodshot redness.
 Lying back on the soft leather couch, I once and for all make up my mind. 
No more.
No more crying. 
No more aching. 
No more hurt.
 No more hoping or yearning or rejection. 
No more heartache and no more painful devastation. 
There shall be none of that, anymore. 
No more.




xxx




There are no tears.
There haven't been for a ling time now.
There is a desert and it is barren, like all Good Deserts are.




xxx




Me.

Stupid

Why am I the weakest link?
Why do I speak without thinking and always speak my mind?
They were all true but I believed in myself. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough to survive.
But now? As you chisel away at my skin, the half healed wounds are exposed once again and I fear they will never close up.

How many knives will I dig out from my back?
I know why this happens.
I'm too stupid to stop it.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

You laugh at me, all of you.
I will prove you wrong, damn it.
I will, I will, I will.

Maybe I won't seeing as I'm so fucking stupid.

But maybe I will.

I will, I will, I will.

I'll be waiting for your heart.

You're doing our thing.
With her.

The thought of you and her is bearable. But when I think of you loving her more than me, or being as comfortable with her as you were with me?
I die a little inside.

You didn't reply to my message.
Why?
'I was talking to her.'

As you sleep I curse my slow reflexes. I await your reply to my stupid, stupid question.
'So you guys talk on the phone now?'

Could I be more transparent?

But you're stupid. You might not understand.

But obviously, you most probably will.

I thought I was done. Or at least- almost there.
But I suppose it was just because of the false sense of security you unknowingly lowered me in.

I don't understand.
I just don't.
How could you?

I would do so much for you.
I loved you.
True love.

if pathetic had a name.

Failures: Bad grades, bad harkatain, bad body, bad smells, bad work ethic. Disappointment.

I thought I would always have him, like a tattoo. Oops. I thought wrong.

I'm sorry but, I've gotta be strong, I have to leave you behind.

But its easier said than done.

They say time heals. I was skeptical- but I'm not anymore. It still hurts, but its not this all consuming grief threatening to kill me.

Now its just this bad feeling in my stomach, a dull ache somewhere deep within me.

Hes with her now. He literally does not want to talk to me.

Hes a smoooooth criminal.

I love Glee. Its so bright and bubbly and fun. It has good music, and funny bits. Its nice.

Are you okay, Annie?

I DONT KNOW!

But, whatever.

*sigh*

I still remember the night we met
You said you loved my smile
But your love for me was like a summer breeze
Oh, it lasted for a while
I could hold on a little tighter I know
But when you love someone you gotta let 'em go so

I'm gonna smile, cause I want to make you happy
Laugh, so you can't see me cry
I'm gonna let you go in style
And even if it kills me
I'm gonna smile

Kiss me once for the good times, baby
Kiss me twice for goodbye
You can't help how you don't feel
And it doesn't matter why
Give me a chance to bow out gracefully
'Cause that's how I want you to remember me

I'm gonna smile, cause I want to make you happy
Laugh, so you can't see me cry
I'm gonna let you go in style
And even if it kills me
I'm gonna smile

I'm gonna smile so you can find the courage
Laugh, so you won't see me hurtin'
I'm gonna let you go in style
And even if it kills me
I'm gonna smile

Eid Mubarak!

Not so much.

I like to keep somethings to myself.
Its always darkest before dawn.

Oh.

I've been a fool.
I've been blind.

I'm still waiting for your heart
'Cause I'm sure that one day it's gonna start.


I'm a failure.
A complete failure.
I can do nothing right, nothing special.
Nothing at all.
Im caged, but the chains drag from my ankles whenever I walk.

From the moment that I saw you, 
it had to be love.

And when he looks at me, 
I hope he'll feel the same,
due to the hormone thats released inside his brain.


Dopa meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen.